Many sets of siblings have heard “apologize to your brother/sister!” Or some may have used the ever-so-famous get along shirt, as pictured below.
We all remember this vividly. The mumbled and not so sincere “I’m sorry”, usually accompanied by a forced hug, prior to mom or dad releasing you and your sibling to go play. These moments we all remember so well are used by parents as teachable moments to teach kids about saying sorry, meaning it, and forgiveness. Teaching kids these lessons often goes well since they usually have something small to apologize for such as not sharing a toy.
When adults need to forgive another, that’s where it can get complicated than simply not sharing a toy. Sometimes there’s years of resentment and pain that is difficult to get over. Forgiveness is a critical part in healing; forgiveness at the end of life is more critical since it can benefit both parties.
The Importance of Forgiveness at the End of Life
Hospice clinicians witness all kinds of things with patients- love, tender moments, pain of unresolved conflict, and forgiveness from both patients and families. They watch as an estranged son comes back to the father that hurt him in the past, grab his hand, and have one final heart-to-heart with forgiveness on both ends. Not only do the clinicians witness these beautiful moments, but they also witness the patient reaching out for one final chance at forgiveness, only to have their loved one reject the call.
There can be many reasons the loved one doesn’t want to forgive the patient such as past abuse, addiction, neglect, or many others. Even in difficult situations such as these, there is value in forgiving at the end of life.
How Does Forgiveness Help?
Forgiveness is beneficial for both mental and physical health. Mentally, forgiveness doesn’t mean “forgiving and forgetting”, but it does mean letting go of the resentment and anger you have been harboring against that person.
While forgiveness isn’t the easiest thing, St. Anthony’s offers Chaplains to help steer through the complex emotions you may feel. You may have to forgive your loved one multiple times to feel the relief. Once you completely forgive, you may experience many physical changes that include:
- Lower blood pressure
- Lower anxiety and stress levels
- Reduced symptoms of depression
- Better immune system (which we all need especially with COVID and the flu)
- Improved mental health
- Allows for healthier personal relationships
When Forgiveness Fails
While forgiveness benefits all parties, it also can’t be rushed. When approaching end of life, time becomes a factor. Those who were wronged need to forgive on their own terms. You can start on the forgiveness route by apologizing sincerely and taking responsibility for your own actions by offering an explanation of why the event happened and how you wish to make amends.
It’s important to give the wronged person the chance to express how the situation affected them. This can be difficult to hear, and even say, it’s a necessary part of the process.
Even with a sincere apology, the hurt person may not forgive. While this may hurt, forgiveness may not be immediate. Follow the lead of the hurt party and give them the space needed to process the apology and heal.
Seek out a therapist, chaplain, or social worker for more guidance to move forward and forgive. If you have any questions about hospice care, please call us at (270) 826-2326.
Photo source: https://www.google.com/search?q=get+along+shirt&rlz=1C1CHBD_enUS850US850&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjG1PLTqMTtAhVGaM0KHaPXDf8Q_AUoAXoECBMQAw&biw=639&bih=564&dpr=1.5#imgrc=4aDicGV_7eWKSM
